There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?
i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.
except it hasn't.
i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?
~anib
Death is a relief, and there is no shame in being relieved that pain and a limbo-state has ended.
ReplyDeleteYou have nothing to apologise for, and every good to be thankful for. The stuff you mentioned - the worry over wasted time, the emotional unendedness...that would exist, no matter what your relationship was.
But I'll tell you this for free - he was your dad, you are his daughter. Nothing, not time, death, taxes or storms can change that. That's all you need to remember.
It is a lame cliche, for sure, but focus on the times where you smiled at each other. Those are the memories to hold on to. The rest is immaterial. I promise.
I didn't speak to my dad for four years, between the ages of 15 and 19. I would speak to him through my mom, and for many years - from when we knew he was ill right up until about a year ago - I berated myself for it. I wished and wondered what kind of wisdom I had missed out on.
But, Ani. Berating ourselves serves nobody, least of all you or your mom. And it is you two who must carry on. So, carry on. X
Thanks Cath. Sometimes it helps to spit out the horrible thoughts in your head so they can stop running around and making me crazy. I cant be more eloquent than "i'm sad/mad/ok". But I will be ok. x
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