my internet friends

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.
;)

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

Website: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.
<3

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.
x


Link

*SU=StumbleUpon

Stuff I like

This post was inspired by the inspiring and beautiful, wise and witty Wenchy. (The purple background is for you. :*)

These are a few of my favourite products (that I happened to have around the house) and a little bit more about my madness.

Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion:
This is my life saver during summer. I LOVE this stuff.
This is different to other self-tan lotions because it very gradually builds up a nice colour. The more you use it, the darker you get so it looks very natural.
I use it mainly for my legs cause I dont usually like to show them out in public. I'm slowly getting over that. ;-)

Knorr Mince Mate Range
Because I can't cook to save my life.. this makes me feel all awesome because it always comes out yummy. And it has all my favourite food groups in one: cheese, meat, pasta. Om nom nom. :P


JC Le Roux La Fleurette
Pink Champagne. This one's being chilled for a special celebration tonight. I'm not supposed to say this, but the boy likes this too. Not too sweet, nice n bubbly.. and pink! Woo! ^_^

Ultra Mel Custard
This always makes me think of summer holidays and Christmas time. It used to be a special treat but now that I'm all grown up, I can have it whenever I want! Goes well with jelly and/or ice cream.... or on its own, warm or cold. *drool*

Wonderbra
Well.. what can I say... it does what it says... wonders! :P
The boy bought me this one recently. It is very pink. And very wondrous effects. Brand plus plus. :P

Oh so Heavenly Foot Range
I love pampering my feets... and this stuff does all I need it to do: scrubs, treat and nourishes. It's also been a hit with the boy. Oh so lovely. :)

Radox Herbal Bath Salts
Since I cant afford therapy anymore.. I take long hot baths. These "Aromatherapy" Bath Salts make the water all soft and smells so niiiiice... I don't think it has any healing powers, but it makes me happy.

Johnson's Baby Oil
Well, there is no baby at home... this is used mainly for massage. I've tried some other "proper" massage stuff... but this is still the best. Makes me happy. ;-)


Cotton buds
Ok.. my secret shame.. I'm addicted to cotton buds. This brand is crap.. but if I had the good stuff, I would use two or three a day. No, my ears are perfectly clean, thank you. I'm just.. um.. a little obsessed with the stuff. I know.. I'm weird. :-/

Hello Kitty anything
I know.. I'm too old for this.. but I <3 Hello Kitty kitsch. Pity that they only make the stuff in kiddy sizes.. meh. But I managed to find this alt Hello Kitty top at Mr Price. I LOVE it. AND... it's in PINK!!! I think I have too much pink. :P

There you go.
A small slice of my life.
Now show me yours.
^_^

Paolo Nutini

I have a new obsession... Paolo. <3
I'm sure I've heard him on the radio... but the name didn't stick. Well, today.. I'm stuck on repeat. So, here's a taste...


"Last Request"
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.


"Loving You"
when you're loving me, i'm loving you
and i love your prowess and the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone


"New shoes"
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.


"Jenny dont be hasty"
Oh, Jenny you are crazy!
First I'm perfect, then I'm lazy
And I was calling you my baby

and this video is just.... fun. :)


ok. go find the rest yourselves.
^_^

Divorced... congrats?

So... I got divorced today.
My boyfriend's getting divorced tomorrow.
We're having a divorce party.
Some people find this... um... weird.
Well... news flash.. I'm a tad weird. :P

So why am I celebrating?
I mean... divorce is like a death... it's the end of something good... so it's bad, right?
I know... I used to believe that was true.. once upon a time.
I used to believe that staying married, staying together no matter what, was the right way... it was good... it was for the best.
I believed that you could talk things out, that love lasts forever, that my trust would never be betrayed... that I was loved completely.
Now, I can't believe that I was ever that young and naive...

I know when I stopped believing.
It was 31 July 2008. I was pregnant... about 10 weeks.
I had been in bed for weeks with anxiety and depression from work stress but I was glowing.
I loved being pregnant.
I hadn't told the "real" world yet, but my baby existed online in my StumbleUpon world. It was known as Baby Rose. I just knew it was a girl. I named her after my beloved grandmother. I was going for my first scan the following week to confirm.
I was turning 29 the following day, 1 August.

Despite all of this... I felt uneasy in my own house.
My husband was online all the time.
Now, this isn't usually a problem for me, as I'm an internet addict...
But.. there was something that had changed in him.
He didn't act like... well, like a happy father-to-be.
I tried my very best to ignore my inner voice... that nagging feeling that "this isn't right."
Anyway... I found out that he was having an intimate relationship with a female friend overseas. She had just got divorced and cried on his shoulder. A cry then turned into a kiss. This was all virtual, but I know how real that can feel.

Well, when I found out.. I was completely crushed.
I literally felt my heart break... and my baby cried with me.
And after everything I had done to try and rescue our relationship...
I had gone to personal therapy (because I thought I was the problem...). We had done some couples counselling (but I was still the problem...).
I ignored friends that were unduly influencing me to leave my husband and go after silly dreams... like being happy just being me... and maybe be with someone that I didn't have to convince to have babies with me.... silly stuff like that..

Anyway... after the scan, I found out that I lost the baby that night.
I already knew... so, when the gynae told me, I was numb.
My husband... well... he did nothing. He said nothing. Which is not unusual, as he didn't speak much.. but... FFS... I needed him.
Eventually, I just switched off from the world. I was dead inside.
I was in bed for another month. I felt that I had nowhere to go... but a place was found.
I moved out to my aunt's place... I went back to my husband.... we spoke... we went to family braais... I went back to my aunt.. I stayed at friend's... I drank.

The last straw... was December 2008.
I found a visa.. to Netherlands.. where the lady friend was.
So... the relationship had continued... all this time... all the time he'd said... he said he loved me. He lied.
Did I mention she had two children? And yet he didn't want one child with me...
It didn't matter anymore. I left... for the last time.
The next day I filed for divorce.... and he left to go play in the snow.

He came back two months later, and I had moved the rest of my personal belongings out.
We agreed to an amicable divorce and were just going to split everything 50:50 like responsible adults. No hard feelings.
Months later... and he had not supplied us with ANY information.
Instead, we were arguing over which dvd's were his.

In June 2009, I went over to dispense with the petty stuff.
Which cup do you want? Can I have the bedroom curtains? Silly stuff like that.
During our "discussion", the issue of the house came up.
He was living in it with his parents. I said that we'd probably have to sell it to settle the bond. He refused. But... we have to? He refused... and then told me to leave HIS house.
I laughed. He didn't.
He started pushing me out the living room.
He then asked for the garage remote key.
I refused.. and he got angry.
Long story short, he then twisted my arm, threatened my life, threatened to burn down the house.. and basically scared the shit out of me.
The assault charge is now postponed to February 2010.

So.. yeah.. since then.... I lost a bit of faith.
I've really tried to make this work.
I've really tried to be the person he needed me to be.
Just being me was never ever good enough...
But now I KNOW it is.
And I have people that know it too.

I don't know what the future will hold.
I don't know whether I'll be better off financially.
I don't know if I'll ever get married again or ever have children.
I'll miss my house and my cups and curtains...
But I'm happy being "just ani".

So.. yes.. congratulate me on finally letting go of a man I used to love... a man that taught me a lot... a man that has hurt me... but a man that can't hurt me anymore.

yay ani!
^_^

You spin me right round baby, right round...

I LOVE Stumbleupon.
I find the most weird and wonderful things there all the time. I try to share links with my non-SU friends via Facebook and Twitter, but you really have to experience it for yourself.

Anyway, my latest find is Sophie Madeleine.
She plays the ukulele. Yes, the ukulele.
Now, the first time I was struck by the sound of the ukulele was by this gorgeous fellow. What a beautiful person.. inside and out. :)



So.. I've been listening to a lot of Sophie during my on-again-off-again "it's complicated" (well, for one of us, apparently) thing with the boy. So.. here are some lyrics that have been bouncing around my head lately.
Hold on to your hats, folks... it's a bumpy ride. ;)


I could tame the wildest animals with just one stare.
I'd even take my chances with a polar bear.
I could be in mortal danger but I wouldn't care
If I could take your love with me.



You lie awake just singing the blues all night. Goody, goody
And you think that love's a barrel of dynamite
Hooray and hallelujah, You had it coming to ya
Goody, goody for her, goody, goody for me
And I hope you're satisfied you rascal you



I want to be in your profile picture...



Pic by anitab79

Now I'm trying hard to stop you running circles in my brain.
But every lyric that I hear contains the letters of your name.
Since you left me all I think of is the music we once knew,
and I just can't stop myself from hearing love songs about you.

*sigh*
g'night.

champagne and pink drinks

Time for an update on last weekend's fun.
Actually, it's way past time, but I've been busy thinking about moving out of the country.
*sigh* It's not an easy decision... and having such an awesome weekend in this amazing city just makes the decision even more difficult to make. But no one ever said this would be easy...

Anyway, last Saturday was one of those glorious Cape Town summery days. I was invited by my cousin to a birthday picnic at Kirstenbosch Gardens.
I absolutely LOVE Kirstenbosch and I go there as often as I can. It's really one of the most beautiful and serene spots in Cape Town. With the sun out, and after our recent rains, the gardens were bright and colourful and full of life.
It really felt like Spring Was HERE! :)

It turned out that none of the family could make it... so I was kinda on my own. But I soon started chatting to some people, and it was really a lovely vibe. I think the strawberries and champagne may have has something to do with that... ;) Regardless, I had a great time sitting in the sun, surrounded by gorgeous greenery and left there in a rather giddy state.

Next, I was off to see my #pinkdrink ladies at the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town. It was also a "Welcome back al_ice" party after her (too long) trip to Joburg.
It was my first time there, and it really is a very swish place... but the staff were very friendly and accommodating and we had a great time.
Pink drinks were ordered, food was eaten and lots of catching up was done.
I can't believe that these ladies were complete strangers only a couple of months ago. I met them via twitter and since then, they've been an amazing source of love and support.
Thank you ladies... you guys are the best thing since.. um.. twitter! lol!

Sunday was the Portuguese Festival at the V&A Waterfront.
It was ok. :/
I guess it was a bit of a downer because I really wanted to share it with some friends.
Seeing my ex-boyfriend's evil ex there didn't really improve my mood...
But... the food was good. It always is.
And I had a few drinks.. in front of my mother.
It's the little things in life sometimes... ;)
I will have to find those pics and upload them later...

So.. that was it.
Oh.. I also attended a party on Friday.
Lots of stairs in high high heels makes ani grr grr.
The drinks were expensive. The music was too loud.
But the late night coffee afterwards made me forget most of that. :)

I think I should probably take a break this weekend.
I have so much that I still need to do...
Just thinking about it, drives me to drink.
Oh well... if I'm gonna drink, let it be pink!

And yes... I'm ok.
I think.
xx

ani plays model

Well... Saturday was fun. :)
I was invited by a friend to model for the Cape Town Photography Meetup organised by Jürgen's Photography.
Initially, I balked at the idea.
I have a teeny tiny bit of an exhibitionist side.. but it's often overwhelmed by my deeply insecure side.
Insecure-ani had a field day...
"What will I wear?" "How do I fix my hair?" "My eyebrows are hideous!" "The pictures are going to suck.. they're going to hate me" etc etc... ad NAUSEAUM!
I don't like insecure-ani.
But I'm becoming quite good at putting that bitch in her place.. ;)

Anyway, my friend assured me that the photographers were only interested in lighting and composition... and had very little interest in the emotional wellbeing of the model. With my fagile, but quite oversized ego crushed and then firmly put in its place.. I decided to just go ahead and try it.
I got my eyebrows waxed (aside: remind me to write a rant about that barbaric process), put on my new favourite hat to hide my hair and took the LONG but really lovely drive to Hout Bay. (Another aside: I LOVE Cape Town. Truly, truly... the most beautiful city in the world!)

Ok.. so.. long story short.. here are the pics.
And here are some of my personal favourites (of me, of course ;P):

Jason
Andre

AJ

Nick

Tatum

Wilfried

Well, I'm very happy with all the pics.. thank you to all the photographers.
And... I'm very proud of me.
*goofy grin*

A 4 A 4 eva!

and that's my motto... for the rest of this year, at least. :)

after another long week of emotional drama...
i've decided that i am spending the rest of the year on ME.
i really really want to help the people that i love... but i have to take care of me.
i've spent way too much time and effort getting to this path in my life.
i owe it to myself to really find my way.

i am really tired now.. so i wont go into all the details.
but i know that the people who love me, will be there for me.
thank you.
xx

edit: this song seemed appropriate.

Tell the truth

It's a Facebook thing.. but I don't want to depress my Facebook friends.
Actually, I just dont want them to worry.
This is just a mood.. and it shall pass... but at least it's honest.
Anyway... so this is me today, 7.22am with ONE cup of coffee.
I could try it a bit later and be a bit happier.. but.. meh.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee and marie biscuits with butter.
breakfast of the poor and unemployable.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
the facebook one was taken at mersey bar in cape town with al_ice.
the one here was a self portrait, taken in polokwane.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today.
no one yet. although i do chuckle at my own emo-ness sometimes.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10ish... um.. i guess i was tired.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
a tropical island would be nice.
right now, anywhere but here.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
no.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
all my friends live in my computer. :/

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i dont know yet.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
no feelings.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
tuesday. i had a soft cry last night, though.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
christel.
will see if i can recover the picture, but it was taken at the now infamous games evening last week.
i have no further comment on that evening.
lots of unresolved feelings.. but no further comment.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
too early to tell.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes. as long as there's internet...

16. Are you upset about anything?
constantly, it seems.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
i dont know yet.

18. Are you a bad influence? Why?
um.. no. maybe. shrug. i have no idea what influence i might have.

19. Night out or night in?
"out".. if i can. but i usually can't.. so "in" for now.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
laptop with internet access. and coffee. and cheese. and my car.
money would be nice... but i have a credit card for now.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i spent a few minutes with myself last year... it was like visiting a stranger. :/

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
i don't even know where my cellphone is... probably a credit card payment confirmation.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
confuzzled.
tired.

24. Do you hate anyone?
only some aspects of me.

25. If we were to look in your face book inbox, what would we find?
messages from groups. nothing sauce, i'm afraid.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
i dont remember that kind of stuff.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
my head is empty right now.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my secret admirer.

29.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
i just want to have kids... the rest is up to them.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
nothing. but i should probably go clear my credit card soon.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
much.

32. Do you smile a lot?
shrug.

Try

I made this video before I fell hopelessly in love and before I met the most awesome people that I now call friends. None of that could've happened if I hadn't made the decision to TRY.

The other night... I helped a friend.
All I did was tell her: I'm here.
I have had so many people "be there" for me...
If I look back and look at the love I've received... I'm overwhelmed.
When I have the chance to give back some of what I've received... well, it truly is the greatest gift we can give each other.

So... this is for the people that I love.. and the people that love me.
And this is for the ones that don't feel the love yet... trust me... it's there for you.
"You can have it all... if you only Try"

*hugs the world*



and.. this is even more selfish self-promotion... but this video is for all of you too.
^_^

FML

making some room for an epic post...
about catholic guilt...
and feeling "worth it"...
and loving yourself.

will think about it some more in the mean time.

still standing

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.

*breathes*

ok.
i'll be ok.
xx

thank you for listening.

she always gets what she wants...

argh! this damn song has been stuck in my head all week.
f**k you, prime circle.
f**k you for making me think when all i want to do is have some guilt-free fun!
here's the song on YT. here's the band's website. here are the damn words.
and this is what's been going through my head...





it's been a weird day...
*sigh*

a new beginning

i started this blog with no idea of where i was going to go with it.
i know that i wanted something separate from my space at stumbleupon (SU).
there were many reasons why i joined SU in 2006 but i think it was mainly boredom.
i had just qualified as a chartered accountant and had a great job with good prospects.
i was married, just bought a new house, had a good relationship with family and had some nice friends too.
i wasn't supposed to still be unhappy with all of this.
but i was... B O R E D ! ! !

anyway... SU's been a great distraction... but, deeper than that, it's really helped me define this "ani" person.
for a large part of my life, i'd been known by another name. let's call her Maria (the real name is too horrid for words).
anyway... Maria was a good little girl. she went to sunday school every sunday.
she came top of the class and got A's for everything.
she was prefect and head girl and all things sugar and spice.
she was also fat and ugly and basically disappeared into the background, so as not to offend too many people with her mere presence. (yes, i've always been like this. ;P)
slowly but surely, she was spotted by another girl trying to hide away from the world.
together, they explored the darkest corners of their hearts and minds... and, together, they found some light.
that girl was my boni and i will always love her for that. always. xx

anyway. somehow, i made it through high school with a boyfriend and was off to find some freedom at university. little did i know that university was just a big high school, where everyone's on break all the time. and i HATED break time. *sigh*
the one good thing i managed to do was change my name back to anita. with that, came a lot of bad memories, but i would deal with those later.
oh, and i also discovered the internet.. which was the beginning of another part of my life and would later help me more than i would ever believe.
otherwise, there was no time to "discover" myself as i became a graduate and girlfriend while maintaining my other challenging roles as daughter and friend.
a quiet desperation started to grow... and i was soon hit with a dark depression.

being "anita" was not easy. stuff from my childhood came back to haunt me... these things never go away. i'd spent most of my life running and hiding away from me... now i had to face it.
after getting the help i needed, i came to embrace "little anita" and tried my best to make up for lost time.
but, being a little girl in a big world is not an easy task. i never did feel the acceptance that she so deperately needed. ofcourse.. i was looking in all the wrong places at the time...
anyway, i carried on... getting a nice job, being a nice girl, getting married, doing housewifey stuff.
and the desperation grew...

as my real life became more unreal, i escaped further into the unreal and the cyber world.
looking back, i realised i was looking for a place to just be me.
for a long time, my tag line was "stumbling through life, just being me."
that only seemed possible online.
slowly, i started realising that online people were real people... and, if they could like me as i was.. well.. maybe i was ok, just as i was.

to be continued...

post one

i'm ani.
with a small "a".
most of my letters are small.
my thoughts are small.
my dreams are small.
all i really want is to be heard.
outside of my other forms of online expression,
i'd like this to be a private place for me just to... be.

so.
hi.
:)